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The Quest for Agape

A reflection I've had lately about humanity and relationships is how frequently "love of them" is rooted in "love of me."

Often, I'll ask a couple to look into each others eyes, tell each other "I love you," and a few reasons why.

It's interesting to hear what can come out.

"You're a great dad."  "You're a devoted mother."  "You're good at your job."  "People like you."

Those aren't necessarily bad things, of course- they're good.  But what I'm listening for is a love of an innate characteristic of that person rather than an appreciation of benefit.

Is it: "I love that you are beautiful, trustworthy, deep, funny, faithful, smart, etc."

-or-

"I love the way you love me."

"I love the way you love me" isn't bad- unless that is all that is there.

A lot of singles really want to be not single anymore.

Nothing wrong with that.

However, it can accelerate relationships via the criteria of "I'm not alone anymore," "I have value since someone likes me," "I love that I feel loved."

That is like building a relationship on sand.

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I'll fully admit- "Words of Affirmation" is my love language.  I truly, deeply appreciate that my wife doesn't buck against that but embraces it and speaks encouragement to me. 

However, I need to truly love...

her.

Not just for what she provides for me.

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Same thing with God?

I love that He loves me.  I love that He's faithful to me.  I love that I have hope in heaven, salvation, and am genuinely better because of His influence.

However, I need to truly love...

Him.

By virtue of who He is.  Relationship and worship can actually happen, if as a starting point, it doesn't end with "I love the way you love me."

Who is He?

Call Me Tuesday.

Mondays, I'm AWOL.

That's my day off; that's my sabbath.

I have to guard that; if you text me/call me mondays about church stuff I won't respond until I'm back in the office.  I don't check email mondays.

"We are never more vulnerable to depression from burnout than when we are totally fatigued and overtired.  Even Jesus, when He felt weary and overwhelmed, said to His disciples, 'Come away... and rest for a while."

I read this week that 10% of pastors who enter ministry retire as a pastor.

I'm no better than any of those guys.

I'd like to retire as a pastor.

So I'm trying to get in better shape.  I'm trying to improve my rest.  

We all need a Sabbath.  I know life doesn't always work that way- but whatever we don't claim in our schedule gets claimed for us.  We have to proactively reserve it, and stubbornly not budge.

"The clock is my dictator, I shall not rest.
It makes me lie down only when exhausted.
It leads me into deep depression, it hounds my soul.
It leads me in circles of frenzy for activities' sake.
Even though I run frantically from task to task,
I will never get it all done, for my 'ideal' is in me.
Deadlines and my need for approval, they drive me.
They demand performance from me, beyond the limits of my schedule.
They anoint my head with migrains, my in-basket overflows.
Surely fatigue and time pressure shall follow me all the days of my life.
And I will dwell in the bonds of frustration forever."

(all quotes from Leading on Empty, Wayne Cordeiro)

Kind of a Psalm 23rd in reverse.  

I'd like my life to be the opposite of this.  You?

 

I'd love to talk with you.

Tuesday. 

if you've been bumped around in church...

I was in class last night; I heard a woman going on in a case study report about the situation in her church she had just been through.  She shared details about Pastors, board meetings, Pastor-parish committees, district-level stuff... things ranging from six months to eighteen years ago...

Yuck.  My heart broke for her as she spoke.

I know many of you have been through things similar.

I spoke up and gave her and the class a word of encouragement-

This kind of stuff can ruin people's lives- but don't let it ruin yours.  If God brought me back, He can definitely bring healing and redemption to your life.

Here is some of what I've learned the hard way:

1) Don't have a victim mentality.  If you spend your whole life thinking about what "they did to me" you will be miserable for a long, long time.  God is in charge here, not whoever hurt you.  By God's grace, one step at a time... forgive them and release what you hold against them in your heart.  God's the judge, not you.  Don't let "life just happen to you."  Even if you are objectively treated unfairly or hurt, God is bigger than that and can restore, heal, and bring redemption to you.  Don't always see the "unfair" parts of life as the negative you've received- remember the grace you've received.

2) Your life is not done.  There's the temptation to think it will always be like this, so why don't I give up (either by quitting; or by staying in a bad situation).  It's up to you to be well.  To keep doing the same thing and expecting different results is insane.  Endure well, yes- but make hard decisions to be healthy.  You're not done, you have more to give to advance the Kingdom, bless Jesus and help other people.  There's a big difference between a season of healing/rest and quitting (or perhaps worse staying in the dysfunction).  Let me ask you: Do you want to be well?  What are you doing about it?

3) Seek God's approval.  Whether people "over" you, "under" you or "around" you- people along the way will give you rejection and criticism.  As much as we'd like to just "have a thick skin" the reality of it is that things people do and say... well, hurt.  You've got to make up your mind not to be led by those things and not to let your self-worth fluctuate accordingly.  Your identity and worth is found solely in that you are a child of God- nothing can ever change that.  Seek the approval of God, not of another person.  Find a few people in your life that will intentionally re-direct you to revel in His approval, not the critics.

God is faithful.

He taught me to trust people again.  He taught me not to fear rejection.  He taught me...

I was okay.  He loved me, and no amount of "my world blowing up" could ever change that.

He can bring you back.

I have this tattoo on my arm- Ephraim- Old Testament Joseph named his second son this, meaning:

"God has made me fruitful in the land of my trouble."

By the grace of God, He is able for you.

Jesus, changing lives. Gettin' radical.

This last Saturday I had the honor of officiating Josh and Tammy Berghauser's wedding.  I want to take a moment and celebrate them- their journey is anything but typical- with their permission, I wanted to give you the "rest of the story."

Josh Berghauser (aka "Bergie") has been one of our top video techs for some time now.  He's always been awesome to work with, dependable and does a great job.  I had lunch with him a few months back because I had big plans to take our A/V to a high level- I wanted him to be on the front lines of it.  During that conversation, I realized that he and his fiancee were living together.  I listened to him, got to know him, and thought- this is a straight-up dude, all about honor.  I bet if he's doing this (living together before he's married) he honestly doesn't see anything wrong with it.

Nevertheless; following Jesus is about more than intent.  My conversations with couples around this topic in the past usually haven't went well, so I was admittedly nervous about it- but I scheduled a sit-down dinner appointment with him.

As we sat at the Winking Lizard and over wings talked about life- it's so cool to see God work.  Sometimes, it's as if you can watch and see in slow-motion what God is doing.  I had prayed for him and Tammy before-hand, and prayed God would prep Bergie for that conversation.  

He did.  Bergie LOVES Jesus- he spoke openly and honestly with me about things in his life- and then said that he felt like, even though he had already changed a lot in his life to honor God, there was still something not quite right.  What was it?

I said: "dude, I love you.  I have no judgements for you; and I will walk through any door with you.  But what you are doing is not right.  God has something a lot better for you than living together before you are married."

Bergie responded humbly; yet one-step-at-a-time.  He had thought of living together before you are married as a church cultural no-no (kind of like having a beer), not a biblical one.  He said; "okay- explain that to me, process with me- where do you see that Biblically?"

I had my iPad Bible with me and opened to Genesis 2, processing about what it means for "two to become one flesh."  I said- you know how baptism isn't just about gettin' dunked, but it's an outward symbol of something God did- and, though it's not magic, I believe God does something in baptism.  It's a means of grace.  A wedding is like that- you are committing yourself to the other, but God joins the two of you as one flesh.  It's a means of grace.  When you enter into relationship prematurely, it puts stuff out of whack- you're living at a level that God hasn't brought you to- everything from intimacy to putting the cap back on the toothpaste- it's better to do it His way.  Hold out for His best.

Here's the kicker- it's about honor, yes... but so much more than doing the right thing.

Worship is a love affair that's grounded and best expressed in the thick of reality.

If I love and worship my Lord- I don't want anything I do to grieve His heart- I want my life to be in step with Him, and you can't do that living outside of following Him with everything.  Worship as a lifestyle costs you.

Bergie responded beautifully- "let me go home and talk with Tammy about this."  He thanked me for being direct but gracious.  I challenged him to either get married by justice of the peace ASAP, or preferably, pray and repent, and move out- while moving up the wedding (which had been scheduled for October).

He texted me later that night- said their conversation was tearful and healing.  Tammy responded beautifully, too.

Bergie packed up and moved out.

They moved the wedding from October to April 2- the invitation was "we're moving up the wedding.  No, Tammy's not pregnant.  We'll explain more soon- Hope you can make it on April 2."

There was a friend's house in Stow he lived at for a month.

As we talked, I told him; "don't just technically do the right thing.  Make this about worship; blessing and loving on your Lord from your heart, in relationship with Him."

They did.  As we walked through the pre-marital counseling sessions together, which honestly are pretty thorough and ask some difficult questions- their love for Jesus and each other was so evident.

They were willing to do something radical, to risk looking like fools to family and friends- because they cared more about what their Lord thought than reputation or personal convenience.

After they made this decision- I'm on my drive out to New York a few weeks back- Bergie calls me- talking about all this stuff, then he says- oh, and I wanted to tell you, ______ called me and wanted me to talk to her about Jesus, so I led her to the Lord.

YES!!!!!!!  Does it get any better than that?

There's actually several people now that have been saved through Josh and Tammy's influence.  I bet God's not done with that, either.

I understand most will think this is ultra-conservative and legalistic.  That's ok.

Following Jesus, you have to be willing to be misunderstood.

Josh and Tammy, I love and respect you.  I'm so proud of you.  The integrity and humility you showed, owning up and really making things right- not for me or the church but because you love your Lord- He's going to bless you so much.  Thank you for being pursuers of Jesus- letting Him change your life.  

I think He's going to use you to change countless people's lives- for real.

It's your thang; do what you want to do.

You have to choose to be healthy.

What do you want to do?

Catching Up

I haven't blogged in over two weeks.

My bad.

It wasn't an intended break; just sometimes life gets pretty hectic, and well- something has to go.

I'm back. 

Here's what's been happening the last two weeks:

- Lots of meetings about building stuff- Chris Rayburn (CEO of Summit Integrated) flew in last Friday for a check-in.  After meetings with CPK and our electrician, we made some more determinations for acoustic panels and treatment, and then Chris trained us (George Burdette, Brian McMahon and myself) on our new audio console, the Yamaha M7.  48 digital channels of audio goodness.  I'm a pretty intuitive person- and I just feel good about these guys.  I'm glad they are doing our project- they are fun to work with.

- I've also really enjoyed working with CPK- these guys are good men.  People don't see the behind-the-scenes above-and-beyond these guys are doing.  I think it's made a huge difference.  Western Reserve, you are going to have a SWEET building, and so much of it is the pride and commitment the Kontur's have to Western Reserve.  Make sure you thank them for a job well done.

- I received my new Jackson Amp- WOW, is this thing nice!  Brian McMahon found this amp, and some of the big-name guys like Nigel Hendroff and Michael Guy Chislett are going to them.  I had it custom-made for me- I got purple because it reminds me of my girl.  I waited 4 months, and it was so worth it.  It's seriously the best amp I've ever heard.  Now, if my talent level could just catch the level of gear I have...

- I started class at Ashland again- it's a pretty easy class, shouldn't be much of a work load (famous last words).  I think it will be good though- my main project I get to compose around whatever I want; I've been wanting to start writing for the last few years on the subject of worship, so I think for my project I'm going to do a book outline.  Sometimes you've got to follow your God-given passions.  Let's go for it and see what God will do.

- I got to speak for Jason on the 19/20 of March- that was fun.  I enjoy speaking, but I like leading worship better.  I'm glad Jason lets me fill in for him a few times a year- that's about perfect.  Western Reserve is a fun group to speak with.  You can be honest, and they respond.

- Brian led worship for me that weekend- it's cool to see him blossom.  He knocked it out of the park that weekend!  I have been having meetings and strategizing for special roles for him, Jason Koeppe, and George upcoming.  These guys have been really stepping up and I want to get behind them and give them a "field to run in," so to speak, for helping us get better.  If you're part of worship/production- more details will come soon.  These will be really good moves I think everyone will love.

- Jen and I went to New York to see our very-good friends, Ben and Amanda, and see the birth of their new baby girl, Michaela.  So much fun watching Ben be a daddy.  Fun being with them, and then taking a day for Jen and I going around the city- St. Patty's day of all days- and just spending some much-needed two-of-us time.  We went to Central Park for a bit, went through Times Square, and then had some pretty sweet seats for a Knicks game.

- Last weekend's service from the behind-the-scenes, was... insane.  We had technical issues at every service- and it was always "everything working fine" and then, a few minutes before service, video is messing up and we don't know why.  It was actually pretty stressful- but, 8 people were saved at the 11:15 service Sunday!  Interesting how we can get so focused on all the tech stuff- but people being saved, we LIVE for that.  God works in our weakness.

- Building is coming along- the slide is in!  No Jason, I didn't go down it- I might get stuck:)

- So cool to see how in situation after situation God fights for us.  God just has a way.

If I Could Only Live This...

"Let love be genuine.  Abhor what is evil, hold fast to what is good.

Love one another with brotherly affection.  Outdo one another in showing honor.

Do not be slothful in zeal, be fervent in spirit, serve the Lord.

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Contribute to the needs of the saints and seek to show hospitality.

Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse them.

Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Live in harmony with one another.

Do not be haughty, but associate with the lowly.

Never be wise in your own sight.

Repay no one evil for evil, but give thought to do what is honorable in the sight of all.

If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.

Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written,

Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.

On the contrary, if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

- Romans 12:9-21

On Mission.

"A sense of God's supernatural presence is the first essential of real worship.  When the person of God is revealed in our worship, there is an electricity, an atmosphere of expectancy, joy, hope, and peace.  Without a sense of God's nearness, worship is about as exciting as reading the minutes to the last board meeting.  We might as well go home and balance our checkbooks or clean the garage."      - Sally Morganthaler

We tend to look sometimes at worship and evangelism as poles.  We compartmentalize in our minds.  You have your group that "craves deep" and wants to be in the presence of God.  You have your other group that just wants people to get saved.  Why the divide?

I want both, and can't imagine anything else being in the heart of God.  No one is more passionate than God about reaching the lost at any cost (understatement of the year) and I believe God is essentially relational.  

If marriage is a picture of the relationship with Jesus and the Church- then, in the firm roots of commitment and discipleship, affection and intimacy must translate.  I believe, even in weekend services, we need to have a time as a church where we come to encounter the presence of God.  As bold and assuming as that is- I think God craves to meet with His bride in an especially near way.  

I also think, that when God's presence is manifest- that is exactly what I crave a not-yet-believer to experience.  Do I believe in relevant genre of music, creative videos, cover songs that supplement the message, etc.?  Yes.  Reach the lost at any cost.  But one of my strongest prayers is that, each weekend, the crowd (church + not-yet-believers checking it out) experience the presence of God.

As Western Reserve continues to experience God's favor- my prayer is that we would seek the heart of God like never before.  This weekend, the band sought God in prayer during practice Thursday and Saturday before service more than I've ever seen them do.  God's presence in the services- you could tell SUCH a difference.

God is faithful.  Draw close to God, and God will draw close to you.  There is SO much more of God to experience, I believe- 

I think as we do that, two things happen:

1) The church grows in deeper relationship with God, fueling discipleship and mission;
2) More people getting saved- from both those believers on refueled mission, and from those who, as not-yet-believers, witness the Church engaging with God and experience His presence for themselves.

Western Reserve- take the next step in becoming passionate for the presence of God.  Get hungry.  Become desperate.  Is He who you really want?  Is seeing more people saved what you really want?  Then chase Him.  Let's chase Him together.

I believe what we have already seen at Western Reserve, which is anointed and frankly unbelievable- pales in comparison to what God has in mind next.  I want it all.  I want Him.

Confrontation.

Confrontation.  Notes from Todd Gorrell's message at 
 

How do you deal with confrontation?  

1. Win at all costs
2. Avoidance

"The biggest part of confrontation and fighting for the relationship is not the outcome but how you did it."

"You've got to be able to lay your head on your pillow, know you did what you needed to do, and place it in God's hands."

 Principle #2: Fight for the Relationship

If you can't remember a confrontational moment with someone in the last few months... is your relationship growing?

Questions to deal with:

1) Is there someone in your life you need to have a tough conversation with?
2) Is there a relationship that used to be ON that is now OFF?
3) How is your relationship with your kids?  Parents?

Real relationship, real unity involves fighting for the relationship.  Are you willing to do that?

Band Practice, 6.17

"Let us know; let us press on to know the Lord... For I desire steadfast love and not sacrifice, the knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings."

Hosea 6:3,6

What I'm doing tonight is having everyone share something God's taught them in the last few days in the Word or in prayer- here's mine.

This is the idea of going through the motions, and the idea of relational/emotional knowledge rather than intellectual knowledge.

Last night Jen was going to be home from school at 10PM- I was at the gym working out, and I noticed it was getting to be 9:40 and I still had part of my workout to go.  I'm working out really hard right now, so this time is important to me.  However, I thought- "Josh, you need to go home and love on your wife."

Common sense, right?  Counter-intuitive to most men.  We have to think about it.

So, I skipped my second-half workout and beat her home by a few minutes.  Here's my point- I knew it wasn't about just being there, but about looking into her eyes, being happy to see her and engaging.  Going to get the mail together, holding hands walking down the street to our mailbox.  

Let's press on to know God- this is that relational, emotional knowledge.  It isn't "I know (about) someone," but that "I know them (emotional connection)."

There's a reason why marriage is a good example of this intimacy.

When you get married- that's it for life.  You're committed.  All the chips are in.  Connection as God-created beauty from dying to self, becoming one flesh.

To follow after God- that's it for life.  You're committed.  All the chips are in.  Connection as God-created beauty from dying to self- you're alive in Christ.

Press on to know God.

Knowledge of God rather than burnt offerings.

In my marriage, what good would it be if I did the dishes, cleaned the living room, paid the bills... and then acted uninterested in my wife?

What good is reading a devotional every day, going to church on weekends, even serving... but never slow down, and turn your eyes upon Jesus?

You have an opportunity to know God as close as anyone who has ever lived. 

It's up to you.