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The Quest for Agape

A reflection I've had lately about humanity and relationships is how frequently "love of them" is rooted in "love of me."

Often, I'll ask a couple to look into each others eyes, tell each other "I love you," and a few reasons why.

It's interesting to hear what can come out.

"You're a great dad."  "You're a devoted mother."  "You're good at your job."  "People like you."

Those aren't necessarily bad things, of course- they're good.  But what I'm listening for is a love of an innate characteristic of that person rather than an appreciation of benefit.

Is it: "I love that you are beautiful, trustworthy, deep, funny, faithful, smart, etc."

-or-

"I love the way you love me."

"I love the way you love me" isn't bad- unless that is all that is there.

A lot of singles really want to be not single anymore.

Nothing wrong with that.

However, it can accelerate relationships via the criteria of "I'm not alone anymore," "I have value since someone likes me," "I love that I feel loved."

That is like building a relationship on sand.

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I'll fully admit- "Words of Affirmation" is my love language.  I truly, deeply appreciate that my wife doesn't buck against that but embraces it and speaks encouragement to me. 

However, I need to truly love...

her.

Not just for what she provides for me.

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Same thing with God?

I love that He loves me.  I love that He's faithful to me.  I love that I have hope in heaven, salvation, and am genuinely better because of His influence.

However, I need to truly love...

Him.

By virtue of who He is.  Relationship and worship can actually happen, if as a starting point, it doesn't end with "I love the way you love me."

Who is He?

A Tale of Two Concerns

If you get two people in the same room, eventually they'll disagree about something.  We're all different- it can be a beautiful thing.  

I wanted to share two examples of "disagreements" in the last week, and how they were handled differently- along with their outcomes.  (I am NOT taking shots in this, I wouldn't do that.  Just trying to help people see healthy ways of dealing with conflict).

Tale 1:

Tuesday, I read the connection cards from the weekend- (Cheryl processes them on Mondays) and see prayer requests, communication- 99% good things.

Then, there are occasionally critical ones- almost always unsigned.

Nothing like an anonymous "you stink" to brighten my Tuesday morning.   It's ok, though.  :)

Outcome?  Nothing.  Tough to process with someone when you don't know who they are.

Tale 2:

One of our most faithful, consistent volunteers approached me Sunday after 10:30 service about the same issue as that connection card (he wasn't the one who wrote it).  He said; "dude, I just thought, it's ok.  Maybe it's not what I like but I trust you guys and I want you to know I love you and support you."  Then we discussed it together- great conversation.

Outcome? Peace.  Relationship.  Maybe even better decisions.

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I know, some folks tend to complain and be negative.  It can be human nature. Sometimes, disagreements are out of that- however, sometimes they are valid and we (I) make mistakes.  Goes both ways.

I actually think our church is pretty healthy with this issue- but thought this could be helpful.

Unsigned critical notes do not motivate to change.  They truly don't do anything good.

Sometimes they hurt- sometimes it can make you feel defensive, like you are being attacked.

Moral of the story is NOT: "start signing your name to your critical note," although I'd prefer that over unsigned.  At least I could deal with issues then.  

Guy in Tale #2?  Did pretty well.  He came to me respectfully and let me know I wouldn't need to be defensive, and then asked questions.  I'll have those talks all day long.

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Here's how to deal with things when you have an issue:

1) Contact the person without spreading negative talk to other people
2)  Be humble, kind, and respectful- assume the best.  Pray before your talk.
3) Ask them to process with you, help you understand
        ("this makes me feel ____," can you help me understand?" rather than "you did ___,             now we are ____") 
4)  As much as depends on you, make forgiveness, redemption possible
5) Trust God to judge.

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Guy in Tale #2 told me: "people complain to me, they just keep coming to me, what do I do?"

Stop listening to it.  They'll stop coming to you.

You don't need to blow people up, just beat them to the punch with something positive.

Person A: "hey, this stinks."
Person B: "I'm sorry you feel that way- but wow, how about (insert statement of honor
                    here)?"
Person A: "hey, I said that this stinks."
Person B: "I don't want to dishonor anyone- why don't you go talk to that person?            
                     They've been great with me." 

Like I wrote, I think we're actually a fairly healthy church in this regard- but, we need to "keep the culture" and fight for health.  

- Don't spread criticism.  "I heard's" don't help.
- Speak honor and encouragement about other people- in front of their face and behind their back. 
-  Read these: Matthew 18:15-20, then 18:21-35, James 3, and Galatians 5:16-26
- Trust God.  He sees.  It's in His hands, not yours. 

Projected Criticism

⁸ Finally, all of you should be of one mind. Sympathize with each other. Love each other as brothers and sisters.  Be tenderhearted, and keep a humble attitude. ⁹ Don’t repay evil for evil. Don’t retaliate with insults when people insult you. Instead, pay them back with a blessing. That is what God has called you to do, and he will bless you for it.

1 Peter 3: 8,9, NLT

One thing that my friends in seminary used to describe me as was "an abused dog."

Ever go to pet a dog who has been abused in the past?  They wince and draw back, even though you intended to care for it.

Most people who have been in ministry have a few stories of being "beaten."  Accused and criticized.  Guilty until proven innocent.  The "people business" can be difficult.

When you have a history of this, it's easy to "project."  Here's what I mean:

My friends and I spent a lot of time remodeling our Cafe last week.

While painting, I kept thinking of "all the people that would show up this weekend and criticize me."

Now, first of all- our church is not like that.  That's because Pastor Jason hasn't, and the staff doesn't, put up with that behavior.

Second- compliment after compliment came in about how the Cafe looks when the weekend actually came.

Third- when I anticipated criticism while painting, NO ONE had yet said anything critical.  Yet my elevated heart beat and thought pattern would have said differently.

That is, in essence, projection.  In other words, my issues.

My ministry friends: it's tough to lead free when there are soul-wounds.  Any quick responses to this seem trite.  

Our role is of a shepherd; and the shepherd works with sheep who bite.  After a few bites, it's easy to "project" bites even when the sheep are being great.

(For others reading this: I don't mean in this to condescend at all.  I know there are a lot of folks wounded by those in ministry and feel hurt by them.  I'm not referencing you in this post- that's valid and yet for another writing.)

The Holy Spirit and God-appointed healthy relationships can bring healing to deep places of the soul and of the mind.  Despite my symptoms of last week, I am a completely different person than I was a few years back.  I have my moments, but by God's grace personally and through others, I'm no longer an "abused dog."

I'm very thankful to be a part of a healthy church; healthy relationships with the Lead Pastor, and the staff.  This is a good church.  Yes, malfunctions do happen- but it's not a church characteristic here, it's just occasional folks.  It makes me remember how different things are now.  

Ministry friend: may God bless you and protect you; give you hope and discernment.  May you find your identity and value in God's approval rather than man's.  May God, through His Holy Spirit, and through healthy relationships, lead you to redemption and healing.  May the God of peace lead you.

Seek to Understand

  "...this story speaks to a fascinating phenomenon that prevents people who don't know one another well from building trust.  It's called the fundamental attribution error.  As sophisticated and complex as it may sound, it's really quite simple.

  At the heart of the fundamental attribution error is the tendency of human beings to attribute the negative or frustrating behaviors of their colleagues to their intentions and personalities, while attributing their own negative or frustrating behaviors to environmental factors.  For instance, if I see a dad at the grocery store scowling at his five-year-old daughter and wagging his finger in her face, I'm likely to conclude that the guy has an anger problem and needs some counseling.  If I find myself scowling and wagging my finger at my own five-year-old, I'm likely to conclude that my behavior is caused by my unruly child or that I'm just having a rough day.

  Of course, this kind of misattribution where we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt but assume the worst about others, breaks down trust on a team.  The best way to combat it is to help team members understand one another on a fundamental level and to give them as much information as possible about who a person is and why this person might act the way he or she does.  By doing this, we greatly increase the likelihood that people will replace their unfair judgments with insight and empathy, qualities that allow a team to build trust and goodwill with one another.  Or as the prayer of St. Francis goes, we must seek to understand more than to be understood."

- Patrick Lencioni, The Advantage

Reality and Vision

"People are far more interested in what works than what's true.  I hate to burst your bubble, but virtually nobody in your church is on a truth quest.  They are on happiness quests.  As long as you are dishing out truth with no here's the difference it will make tacked on the end, you will be perceived as irrelevant by most of the people in your church.  You may be spot-on theologically, but you will not be perceived as one who teaches with authority.  Worse, nobody is going to want to listen to you.

Culture is like the wind.  You can't stop it.  You shouldn't spit in it.  But, if like a good sailor you will adjust your sails, you can harness the winds of culture to take your audience where they need to go.  Jesus did.

You've studied the Sermon on the Mount.  Surely you know the term Jesus uses over and over can be translated happy.  But even if you are more comfortable with the term blessed, think about what Jesus does at the beginning of his message.  Who doesn't want to be blessed?  He plays to their human nature, and then, one by one, he challenges their most basic assumptions about... well, everything!"

Andy Stanley, Deep & Wide

I'm thinking of how this dynamic plays out, for better or worse, with worship leading.  

Honestly?  For a long time, I've thought this:

I don't care for the way "church" happened in my past.  Others must feel the same.  If I build something different, that will minister to folks.

Now?  I don't know that my thoughts were accurate.  Well intentioned.  Maybe rebellious at times.  But I was trying to do something I thought was good for people.

With any leader, you need to be aware of where things are vs. where they should be.  And with that, step by step, lead folks to where "they should be."

Hopefully, my "where they should be" is healthy.  I want it to be.

Here's what I know: I'm not mad at "church" anymore.

I value growing up the son/grandson of piano/organ players- the hymns being so "in me."  When we play things like "Because He Lives" at WR, that's not me trying to politically satisfy someone; that's me.

I want to Pastor.  Shepherd.  Through worship.  

I can't please everyone.  I'd like to.  But I'd rather lead than be liked.

Sometimes, that does include getting folks to something that may be different than what they currently esteem.

Sometimes, that includes me realizing that what people like is more often than not legitimate.

WR music may be radical.  I do want to "take out church, insert Jesus."  I have a heart for folks who have been bumped into by the church, and I want to disarm some of their angst so they can become a part of a church that could bring healing to them.

Ways we "do church" here will include that flavor.  That's part of our DNA.  The heart is a compassionate, open door.

However;

I want to Pastor our "church folks," too.  I mean it.  I want to set the table so our faithful saints can worship deeply with ways that connect in their hearts.

It's not always easy to succeed with two things at once.

But, if we're mature and on mission, we'll find a way to do just that.  I think it can be done.

I'm willing right now to lay down some of my preferences for the sake of the Kingdom.  

Oh God; let us succeed in this.  To open the door for those that have a problem with "church," but also shepherd the faithful saints.  Give us wisdom to do this well.  

It's okay if you haven't arrived.

"Nouwen challenged Christians to minister with great sympathy for the human condition.  This comes by facing one's woundedness and surrendering it to Christ's healing touch.  That weakness then becomes the strength of Jesus, and the experience of pain the common ground that binds people to the lost and broken.  This is what the Lord did when, broken at Calvary, he offered people healing and freedom through his wounds.  Now, as wounded healers, people are to openly admit woundedness while at the same time extend hope and healing to others."

Terry Wardle - Strong Winds and Crashing Waves

Reading this, I'm reminded of where I've come from, as well as the issues I still have.

God has brought me unbelievable healing and growth in the last few years- but I'm not finished.

May I remember that.

I look for meekness in leadership; strength under control.  Never having to show or establish; knowing who you are, who you are in Christ, and the security of an identity that is unshakable.

I'm not complete.  I have not arrived.  I'm not a finished product.

To help other people, I/you don't have to pretend as though you are a finished product.

Wounded.  Healing.  Trusting.  Growing stronger.  Receiving peace.

May I and we remember that our identity and value is not in our self-ascribed titles, perceptions, and illusions- but in the love of Jesus.  

Logistics in Serving

We have wonderful folks at Western Reserve.

I mean it.  I believe it.  Really.

I know lots of people, thank God, that if I need something, I can pick up the phone and they'll be there.

That's rare.  Western Reserve is like that.

Here's what I'd like to say here:

I honor that and respect it; not to take advantage of it or take it for granted.

I confess that we've not always done a good job with organization, communication, and logistics.

Call up volunteers and not being ready for them.  Not knowing what to do with folks when they are serving.  Slow follow-up.

We're sorry.

We care very much, and appreciate your servant's hearts.

That culture ends now, and we will do our best to lead you responsibly.

For example, yesterday I asked Matt Simon and Brian McMahon to head up a project that will be done next week.

I told them- get all your logistics and details in order of what you realistically need and what it will take, communicate in advance, and be there on time ready to direct folks.

Within 30 minutes, they had planned everything, communicated via blast email, and I trust will lead it well next week.  I've been hearing compliments on how the two of them communicate.

Thank you, Reservers for your servants hearts.  Very much.  

FYI- Jason has been very big on this lately- cares very much.  The staff is united in discussions on this.  We're taking the next step.

Being one of your leaders is an honor I don't deserve.  I don't take that for granted.  I'm grateful, and take it very seriously.  I'm not perfect, obviously.  But I care very much and will give you my best.

Your leaders care very much.  I pray your next experience is a great one.

Vision Ambition

Right now at Western Reserve, we're hard at work making infrastructure strong and healthy.

We're getting ready for what we believe God has in mind.

Make yourself bless-able by your planning, praying, and asking for the blessing.

Work as if it depended on you; rest because you know it depends upon God.

That blessing is to be a part of the movement that is God's heart and in His character.

I received an article from a friend today- read these words:

"Seeing the Neighborhood, not just the Neighbor"

“If one person comes to Christ this year, it’s worth it.  God may have us here for just one person He wants to bring to Himself.”

No one could or would question the value of one’s soul, but God’s love doesn’t stop with one; it extends to everyone.  It’s not the person up the street that needs Jesus, its every person on every street.

The answer: Vision.  Specialize in contacts and let God specialize in conversions.  Bring Christ to everyone within driving distance of the church.  As the Seed is sown, God in His time will bring forth fruit.  God responds to prayer and vision.  The issue isn’t the worth of a soul who lives within the community; it is the worth of every soul who lives within the community.

- Larry Moyer

I guaran-dang-tee God's vision for Nordonia Hills is bigger than yours.

Let's get ambitious for the Kingdom.

In Psalm 18, it's written:

"with my God, I can scale any wall."

I think so.

Do you?

Do you see this whole neighborhood?

Let's go get 'em.

What we're all about.

Monday evening I had the privilege of leading young man in his early 30s to the Lord.  

Awesome!  Praise God!

He's been in our church about eight months; wasn't too sure about Jesus.  Had a Catholic background and was skeptical about Christianity.  He used to do self-meditative Buddhist influenced practices.

Before we got to the prayer- in the conversation, I heard things from him like this:

"Wow, you guys were rockin' on Sunday!  That was awesome!"

"Seems like you guys get better every week."

"I've never liked church until here, now I look forward to coming to 'mass.'"

Things in Jason's message on Sunday challenged him.  What kind of man to be.

All glory to Jesus for saving this guy- he's a good man that needed Jesus.  Now he has Him.

Look who Jesus used.

Jason speaking, challenging men to step up on Father's Day.

The worship team- musicians and production alike- set an environment that drew him in, let him forget his previous experiences with church.  The loud music, the guitar riffs, the audio-

pointed him to Jesus.

We are always challenging the worship team to excellence.  To step up.  They should take it as a compliment- I wouldn't challenge them if I didn't think they could do it.

They can, and they have been- the music is better than ever.  The vision is step by step being accomplished.  We're not done with where we want to get to, but boy are we getting there.

By God's grace and by volunteers who have the "whatever it takes" mentality- who serve humbly, know it's not about them but put the person who needs Jesus before themselves-

Heaven just got a little more crowded, and Jesus used them in the process.

Western Reserve worship team- so proud of you.  I believe in you.  

Let's keep advancing the Kingdom and seeing Jesus change people's lives.

Efficiency and Relationship

A "next step" we're taking right now as a worship team- Sunday morning rehearsal service.

Yep- that's right. The whole enchilada.  Starts at 8am sharp, our producer (Larzell) goes over all cues verbally on stage, then he goes to the booth, dons the headset, and we go through everything.  Lights, video, sound, all transitions- even a soundbite from Jason.

Here's why- excellence and efficiency helps to eliminate distractions.  

For all the spiritual folk out there who do not think worship is a production- have news for you- it may not be a show, but there's production involved.  Only question is whether you do it well or not- not for the sake of people being impressed, but getting the less-than-excellent out of the way so people have a more unobstructed view of Jesus.

Having a service where there are uncomfortable transitions, feedback in the mics, videos w/hiccups in them- still includes "production."  Just done poorly.

Tough to see how things done like that increases purity or spirituality in the vein of "not entertainment."

As important as these steps are, we balance them with this- the people involved are...

people.

We're a worship family.

I care deeply about the things my team are going through- 

Every practice, no matter what- we gather together to hear briefly from the Word, to pray-

and to listen.

How are you doing?  Really?

Can we pray for you?  Can we serve you?  

We go around and have "check-in" time.  (Guess I did too much group-counseling back in the day)

We'll be excellent, we'll be efficient, and by God's grace we'll get things done at a high level-

but by going forward together, being authentic- not by using you when you can't process.

Tough to lead worship well when you have a weighted-down spirit about something that's going on- and no one to talk to about it.

We have that time to support and encourage each other every week.  

The prayer and check-in time in my book is the most important thing we do.  People matter.  They are a part of the family.

Worship team- it's my honor to pastor you.  Know that I care and am in your corner.  I am here for you any time you need, and we all are as a worship team.  I thank God for you, I pray for you, and am your biggest fan.  

We get to do this thing together...